Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
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retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out