@kiwigarza

Apparently “the vibes are off” isn’t a good excuse to leave work early

Apparently “the vibes are off” isn’t a good excuse to leave work early

- @kiwigarza

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@TheToddWilliams

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

@AspergersAreUs

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

@GinRumMe

(Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it.)

Text: Hey what are you up to?

@dmc1138

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

@DaddyJew

*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*

@NYC_Blonde

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

@KateWouldHaveIt

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

@Monathais

Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo…I can’t believe it’s working!

@robdelaney

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.