Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.