Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
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Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
🤣
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Not recommended for beginners.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?