Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

consequences, the bane of my existence

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.