@faizziy

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

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@runolgarun

“Sorry, I fail to see how I ‘misled’ you when my profile CLEARLY says I’m ‘a total cat person’?” – half-cat/half-person being after bad date

@BrogaPants

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

@YoungNobler

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

@FattMernandez

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in

@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@normwilner

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

@neonwario

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”