Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”