Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color