Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Still cracks me up
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.