Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”