Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
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doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it