Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

Bro what is this

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

PLOT TWIST:

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him