Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Always the vampires
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
#milo
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
A great tip. #CakeRex
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now