Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

😤😤

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.