Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
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A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.