Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

You can’t rush stupid.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two