Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
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[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
When news reporters do sports stories
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.