Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
