Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
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The game has officially changed 😎
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try