Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.