Apparently, this is how the world ends.
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Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Still a very good boi….
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
getting corrected
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.