Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Oh hi lol
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots