Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.