Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
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What even happened today?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”