Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
You Might Also Like
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Whoops
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.