Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
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How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Love is in the air fryer.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.