Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
True freaking story!
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON鈥橳 YOU?!?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill鈥檚 Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff鈥檚 badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
why neck hurt
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Moses: 馃幎gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free馃幎
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We鈥檙e literally being chased
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.