Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look