Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
You Might Also Like
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?