Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Anime is real

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.