Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on