Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.