Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

Covert ops

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?