apparently this year was written by stephen king
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I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
This is true.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“what that mouth do?” complain
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
zone out
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.