apparently this year was written by stephen king
You Might Also Like
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me: