Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Skills
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head