Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing