Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
You Might Also Like
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
$3 #books
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
❤️🦆
I am having an out of money experience.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.