Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.