Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
True?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?