a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
apparently, Twilight is “so popular” because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.
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With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.
Your mom is a hermaphrodite.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.