@VN_Ruben

apparently, Twilight is “so popular” because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.

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@pmclellan

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

@goldengateblond

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

@AnAverageGiant

Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.

Your mom is a hermaphrodite.

@stevevsninjas

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

@Darlainky

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.