Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
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CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?