Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website