Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

He is just living hist best little life 😊

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.