Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
My birth announcement for our third baby
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*