@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

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@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@ShawnHatosy

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

@iamspacegirl

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

@TheMichaelRock

Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?

@InternetHippo

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

@TheMichaelRock

Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?

@Mr_Kapowski

9 year old daughter: Are you sure?

Me: *shoving a banana in a fish bowl* What do you think a Sea Monkey eats?

@AtticusFinch79

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

@LlamaInaTux

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath