Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I think I’m having a stroke
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.