Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.