Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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