Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Bruh PLEASE
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.