Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents