Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?