Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.