Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
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Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Happy thanksgiving
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting