Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

She might be a genius

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.