Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on