Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.