Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

but that was my emotional support daylight

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.