Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
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If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Me irl
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.