Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
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That earthquake could have been an email.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.