Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
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I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI