Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
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Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
In case you needed to hear it:
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
