Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
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Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My therapist after every session
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses