Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

Guy who likes music

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

I’m just playing devils avocado here

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls