Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Covid like
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Morning my dudes.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.