Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
knights of the ikea table
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.