Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
You Might Also Like
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.
If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.
The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?
Ace of Base: *starts sweating*
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.