@KentWGraham

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.

@sarabellab123

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

@MatCro

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

@danielvisme

I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.

If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.

@onume_

The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.

@AndyAsAdjective

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

@LaptopShopWH

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

@Cpin42

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

@NewDadNotes

Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?

Ace of Base: *starts sweating*