By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.