@DaddyJew

Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.

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@CaucasianJames

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

@Addison_Peacock

Hello today a woman got huffy with me because she didn’t know sabertooth cats were extinct and expected the museum to have a live one on display

@markedly

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

@JKickinit30

What!? You didn’t say crust fund?

*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*

@Lexxivy

If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes

@PleaseBeGneiss

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember