[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
You Might Also Like
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me