Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
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He refuses to bathe without the Melon
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.