Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

My beach vacation Google searches

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that