Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Air pods looking like an angry frog
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Comparing yourself to others
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone