Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stop watching this.

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

This one, by a wide margin

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?