Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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turning my gender off to conserve energy
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Split the bill
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
bro what is going on at twitter
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!